13 Athletic Poses to Make While Dreaming

13 Athletic Poses to Make While Dreaming

By William Vaillancourt

 

 

The Cam Newton Superman


When you feel yourself falling



The Dikembe Mutombo finger wag


When a former high school classmate/Wild West saloon owner/your cousin’s Basset Hound tries to get you to invest in their essential oils business



The LeBron James chalk toss


When your palms get clammy while walking a tightrope between a 200-foot-tall statue of Ronald McDonald and a stack of VCRs filled with nutmeg



The Rafael Nadal trophy bite


Once you reach those VCRs, Christopher Columbus awards you a 1,492-carat Golden Globe for leading him to a new spice



The Willie Mays basket catch


Uh oh, you bit down too hard and now your teeth are falling out



The Tim Tebow prayer


For the last two months of senior year, you had forgotten about being enrolled in that statistics class, and now it’s finals day and you need an A to graduate



The Pete Weber crotch chop


When you’re in a hammock on the Moon with Jessica Alba



The Heisman


To defend yourself from familiar yet indescribable entities chasing you



The Jumpman


When there’s a large puddle of seahorse-infused vanilla pudding you have to leap across



The Usain Bolt double point


Once you’ve outrun those entities



The Johnny Manziel money sign


When you’ve orchestrated an 'Office Space'-type scheme to defraud your software company and none of the eight Hawaiian shirt-wearing chimpanzees who helped you write code for it want their share of the dividends because they’re chimpanzees and don’t participate in the fiat economy



The Hulk Hogan hand to ear 


To make sure you can actually hear someone when they have a very important message for you



The Tiger Woods fist pump


After you think you’ve woken up, you go look in the bathroom mirror and see that all your teeth are still there

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