By Noah Cohen-Greenberg and Sam Mermin
- Take a sip if Steve Curry hits a three-pointer.
- Take two sips if Marvin Smart steals the ball.
- One more sip for an alley-hoop.
- Another two sips if your wife makes you pause the game while your nephew Curtis uses the bathroom for the fiftieth time.
- A sip if Jayson Totem slam dunks it.
- What’s Curtis even doing in there, anyway?
- A sip if an announcer compares Clay Thompson to (his father?) “the old Clay Thompson.”
- A big sour drink every time your freak nephew’s favorite player Paxton Pritchard makes a three-pointer.
- Two sips if Curtis tells you to “shut up” for admiring a player he doesn’t like. Horford plays the game the right way, and does not move like an old man!
- Three sips if your wife laughs at Curtis’s joke but promises she’s “laughing with you, not at you.”
- Step outside and be alone for a second during the commercial break. Breathe. Curtis isn’t the boss of you. Curtis is an eighth-grader.
- Two sips if Curtis wins $250 on FanDuel by correctly predicting the final digit of each team’s score at halftime. His username is “uncleDumba$$.” How does a thirteen-year-old even make a FanDuel account? Isn’t that illegal?
- Three sips if the eight-leg parlay you bet after Curtis goads you into downloading FanDuel fails within ten minutes.
- Three more sips if you discover your wife let Curtis use her credit card to make his FanDuel account. They’ve agreed to split the winnings fifty-fifty over your loud objections.
- It’s not your job to take care of a twelve-year-old snot-nosed freak show just because he’s “family.” In-law is not family. At least not according to the Constitution. And why does he get to sit in the nice recliner?
- Two sips if your wife is somehow “Tired of your whining” even though you’re watching this stupid game with her nephew. CURTIS IS NOT FAMILY HE IS JUST AN IN-LAW.
- So a person can just drop their shithead son off at their brother-in-law’s house before their big vacation to Greece but the guy whose house it is can’t tell Curtis to “can it” after the fiftieth “Okay, boomer” joke? But that’s fine!
- One more sip for an and-one.
- Two more sips for Raymond Green’s famous antics.
- Two sips if Curtis calls you a “Bitch” when Jayson Totem’s twenty-sixth point of the night completes his twelve-leg same-game parlay for a $5,000 payout.
- Another sip if Curtis dubs himself the “King of Basketball” and your wife excitedly remarks that he should be a coach when he grows up.
- Finish your drink if you start to believe Curtis.
- One last sip when Curtis decides it’s okay for everybody to go to bed.