dad picking up son

Divorced Dad Excitedly Brings Son To NFL Game To Show Why He Doesn't Have Custody

By Devin Wallace


Local father Craig Haverman says he was incredibly excited to bring his son to his first NFL game to show exactly why he doesn't have custody of his only child.

"When I was a kid, I never really saw my own Dad, so it's really important to me to show my own son why I'm not there either," said Haverman, whose entire guardianship of his only child consists of one 8-hour period every two weeks.

"Between the 10 a.m. beer bongs, gambling away next month's rent, and all the anti-Italian slurs, I hope it'll be crystal clear to little Jimothy," referring to his son Kyle.

Kyle Haverman, who is pretty sure his dad is a salesman or a shoemaker or something, was equally excited about the rare activity. 

"It's great to have bonding time that isn't at a bail bondsman's office," said the younger Haverman while scavenging cigarette butts for his Dad. "It was so fun to meet all the guys like Garth, Herb, and Johnny Robe. I hope I can make my Dad as proud of me as he was when Garth ate the sandwich he found in a Port-O-Potty."

Craig Haverman explained the parenting philosophy he employs a total of 26 days each year.

"It's a Dad's job to teach his son life lessons, like how to change a flat tire or what happens when you mix Jaigermeister with Lipitor."

The impressive parental inattention was noticed by many at the stadium, including security guard Malcolm Anderson. 

"You don't see many Dads so committed to showing their son how unqualified they are to be a parent. This guy was with his son every moment, from urinating in the parking lot to punching our mascot, Rampage the Ram," said Anderson as he filled out the third police report of the day for the elder Haverman.

"He even held his kid's hand when I choked him out after he tried to wrestle Terry Bradshaw. It brought a tear to my eye, but that might be because I had to squeeze his throat pretty hard. Like I said, he was committed."

"I want my son to remember these moments," said Haverman. "When I'm gone, he's not going to remember when I was at his baseball games or chess tournaments, because I never went. No, he's gonna remember the time his old man yakked up a sixer of Schlitz on the fine employees of Wetzel's Pretzels."

Haverman reportedly will have the chance for daily visitation time due to his upcoming incarceration at Los Angeles County Correctional Facility.

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