By Devin Wallace
SAN FRANCISCO - Warriors forward Draymond Green lambasted NBA referees after being called for a Flagrant Foul in game three of their semi-finals series against the Memphis Grizzlies Saturday night, after picking up Grizzlies guard Ja Morant and hurling him off the Golden Gate Bridge.
“It’s called playing basketball, man,” shouted Green to reporters while climbing down the two-hundred and twenty-foot high bridge. “First we can’t hand check on defense, then we can’t even touch a guy when they’re about to shoot, and now I can’t stuff a player in a burlap sack, toss him in my trunk, drive to the nearest world-famous bridge, and throw him off? Didn’t realize this was Pee-Wee basketball.”
Morant, who survived the plunge into the San Francisco Bay by being the most absurdly athletic player in the history of the league, didn’t appreciate Green picking him up by his shorts and hurtling him in the icy depths below.
“There’s unspoken rules, you know? You don’t talk about someone’s family, you don’t go after anybody’s wife,” said Morant while toweling off on the shore seven miles away from the arena. “You don’t have to say these things, and I was pretty sure we didn’t have to say no chucking Ja Morant off a bridge. But, after Dray almost ended my career - and my life - the refs didn't do the right thing and gave us two free throws.”
Head official Brett Morrison explained his rationale in a post-game interview.
“We looked at the kidnapping, the getaway drive, and the final throwing of Morant off of the bridge,” said Morrison. “After careful review, we determined that dropping someone off a national landmark does not constitute a basketball play.”
“I guess I can’t play defense,” said Green while packing up a fishing net, 3D-printed laser gun, and a cartoon anvil in his locker. “Now what am I going to do with this piano I have hoisted three stories above Jaren Jackson’s head?”