COVENTRY, ENGLAND - Witnesses at Thursday’s English Polo match between Plymouth and Coventry reported local spectator Alvin Doore caused a shocking scene after downing four cups of Earl Gray tea and shouting mostly harmless insults to the opposing team.
“I dare say, it was quite the phenomena,” said Hurlingham Polo Association President and strict orphanage owner Farnsworth Croft-Nordham, “The gentleman absconded into a complete hooligan under the influence of a quite strong Earl Gray, with no milk I might add! It was utterly embarrassing to see, especially in front of the ladies present.”
Doore, who caused outrage in the private grandstand by suggesting the opposing team was less than virtuous, reportedly snuck in a personal flask of freshly brewed Twinings tea and was seen sneaking sips in the marbled bathrooms.
“I shan't even repeat his deplorable language,” said Elizabeth Windcastle-Hampforshire, wife of famed polo player William Windcastle-Hampforshire III. “He…well, let us just say he insinuated, with the ugly slurring of words known only to tea-addled rapscallions, that perhaps he himself could play a more proper game of polo than the honorable gentlemen of the pitch. Just after uttering those words, I feel I need my handmaid to draw me a bath.”
Gordon Pennybody-Londonman, the local Tory Party MP, was flabbergasted and vowed strongly-worded action would be taken.
“We will take the furthest possible action, the strictest possible punishment, by issuing a stern lecture to Mr. Doore, nodding in agreement for a few moments, and then collectively falling asleep in our parlors,” said Pennybody-Londonman while polishing several of his monocles.
Doore’s mildly-caffeinated antics reportedly continued at the Wimbledon Quarterfinals, where he allegedly disrupted the entire proceeding by clapping once.