After finishing 35th at last weekend’s LIV Golf Bedminster event, Phil Mickelson quashed reports that he was disappointed with the results, instead choosing to shout how fantastic the new LIV Golf Tour is over the screeching sound of Saudi buzzsaws being used to dismember a dissident on the 18th hole.
“This is what real golf looks like!” said Mickelson, cupping his blood-stained hands near his mouth to be heard over the sound of snapping bones.
“I feel like a little kid again,” he said, forgetting he didn’t grow up under a brutal authoritarian regime implicated in the murder of U.S. journalist Jamal Khashoggi.
The Saudi government, which funds the LIV Tour with their oil profits, technology investments, and loose change stolen from their murder victims, has managed to turn dozens of world-famous players away from their previous home on the PGA tour.
“I tune everything out,” said Mickelson, over the screams of academics, activists, and women a Saudi hit team was currently dismembering in an unmarked van.
“From the fans, the media, or the ominous roar of a Saudi military helicopter scanning the crowd for undesirables - all I focus on is my driver, my putter, and making sure to mention we don’t know what really happened with that 9/11 thing.”
When reached for comment, a Saudi government spokesman reached into his bag for a pair of pliers and some jumper cables.