NEW YORK - Having abandoned all hope of receiving a good pick in the 2022 NBA Draft Lottery, the New York Knicks have reportedly turned their attention to hitting it big in the next New York Lotto drawing.
“You can’t trust the fate of your franchise to fourteen ping-pong balls in the draft lottery,” said Knicks GM Scott Perry. “That’s why we’re putting all our hopes in only six ping-pong balls in the iconic New York Lotto. Six is less than half of fourteen, which means our chances are three times as good, meaning we’ll probably win at least five or six games next year. That’s the type of rigorous math that has made the Knicks who we are today.”
Sources report that owner James Dolan was seen at the 7/11 outside of Madison Square Garden buying handfuls of Lotto tickets while spilling a Blue Slurpee on his jeans.
“Watch out, baby, our number is about to come in big,” said Dolan as he described his surefire system to picking the correct Lotto numbers to an exasperated cashier. “The Knicks are on their way back to glory, and the road to the championship begins right here, in a pee-stained 7/11 next to a check-cashing shop and a 99-cent store that sells everything real loose.”
Front-office officials say they’ve revamped their strategy and have a much wider range of pre-pick analyses available.
“For years, we limited our decision-making to just a few people,” said Knicks President Leon Rose, while helping James Dolan wipe leftover Slurpee off his tie. “Now we’ve expanded our horizons. We’re asking everyone in the office which Lotto numbers to pick. Diane from H.R. picked seven because that’s how many kids she has, Horace from the parking garage chose 3/32, which he said was his birthday, and we even let a guy painted Silver outside the arena pick the bonus number, a new symbol he called ‘Schweeb.’ This is how a modern NBA franchise will dominate the New York Lotto.”
The Knicks are hopeful to win the Lotto jackpot, which currently sits at $12.4 million, or about half of what they’re paying Julius Randle.