Longtime Screwup Criticizes Olympian For Feeling Overwhelmed

Longtime Screwup Criticizes Olympian For Feeling Overwhelmed

FORT WORTH - Ronald Minden has absolutely had enough of Simone Biles’ “pity party.”

The currently unemployed, illegitimate father of nine disclosed Tuesday morning that he will no longer be watching the Olympics, after USA Gymnastics star Simone Biles withdrew from competition late Monday evening, citing mental health reasons and “fighting internal demons”.

“I give too much to this country for these athletes to treat the flag like this, I’m done,” said Minden, who actually hasn’t paid his federal, state, or local taxes since 2009.

He went on to voice his overall displeasure with the current state of USA Olympians.

“I am so sick and tired of these professional athletes complaining and whining,” Minden, a former high school varsity athlete who never attended college or achieved anything memorable, added. “First, it’s that Osaka chick, and now this, just what the hell is their deal? You’re getting paid millions of dollars, just shut up and go do your damn job.”

Biles, who holds the distinction of being the most decorated American gymnast of all time, sporting a combined total of 30 Olympic and World Championship medals, spoke further with reporters on her decision to withdraw shortly after her USA teammates took silver in the team final Tuesday.

"I just don't trust myself as much as I used to," Biles told The Athletic. "After the performance that I did, I didn’t want to go into the other events so I thought I would take a step back." 

She added that she had "never felt like this before."

Despite the seriousness of a career professional and a G.O.A.T. level-athlete withdrawing from the world’s biggest stage, Minden still isn’t having it.

“This country is getting so soft. First, we elect that fucking grandpa, then we have people backing out of the Olympics because they are feeling a little sad,” the problem drinker and Reddit-thread regular said. “But at least the orange man’s not tweeting anymore, right? This is what we wanted!”

Minden was hardly the first person to air their displeasure on Biles’ withdraw, joining conservative pundit Charlie Kirk and radio personality Clay Travis. 

USA Gymnastics said in a statement that Biles would be "assessed daily to determine medical clearance for future competitions,” but it was reported late Tuesday evening that she would not be performing in the all-around competition on Thursday. 

No matter who takes the stage, Minden, who actually has to borrow his neighbor’s Hulu Live account to watch the Olympics, won’t be viewing.

“Nope, I’m done,” Minden added.

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.
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