Man 'Stable' After Being Buried Alive In Ballpark Peanut Shells

Man 'Stable' After Being Buried Alive In Ballpark Peanut Shells

ST. LOUIS - A Cardinals fan is in stable condition after being buried alive in ballpark peanut shells last night at Busch Stadium, sources tell End of the Bench.

Brentwood resident Charlie Johnson, a Cardinals season ticket holder, nearly suffocated to death under a large pile of discarded peanut shells that started to collect shortly after the first inning in last night’s game against the Detroit Tigers.

Busch Stadium security footage shows the slobbery shell pile starting to reach dangerous levels around the fourth inning, before eventually toppling over on Johnson in the seventh. 

“I’m just grateful to be alive,” Johnson said. “Thank you to the attendees, the people in section 246, and Fredbird for digging me out of that pile.”

The peanut shells in question came from what appears to be a ten-person family sitting in the row behind Johnson.

Security footage also shows the unidentified family, who can be seen on camera buying extra-large bags of salted peanuts pre-game, leaving shortly before the bottom of the seventh inning.

Moments later, the peanut shell tower collapsed upon Johnson, immediately crushing his body and knocking him unconscious.

Fans, staff members, and yes, even Cardinals’ mascot “Fredbird,” then started to sift through what local residents are saying is “the biggest fucking pile of shells and shit you have ever seen.”

“I mean how do you even eat that many peanuts in seven innings?” one fan told EOTB. “This is easily worse than the cotton candy thing in ‘84”

Fans will remember the infamous 1984 incident when Martha Johnstone, a Clayton native, was nearly decapitated at a Cardinals game after her hair got caught up in a nearby large cone of cotton candy. 

Johnstone recovered after several successful showers and de-tanglements.

The Cardinals released the following statement regarding the peanut incident early this morning and asked anyone with information regarding the whereabouts of the family in question to contact the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department immediately.

We recognize and apologize for the horrific incident that took place last night inside Busch Stadium, our city’s beloved ballpark for more than a decade. We wish Mr. Johnson a full and fast recovery.  

While the incident was certainly out of our team’s control, we want this near-tragedy to bring light to a very serious issue in the sports community - shelling. 

Shelling occurs when fans eat large quantities of shelled peanuts and discard the shells everywhere but a trash can. We’ve all done it, we’re all guilty of it, and its finally time for this nonsense to end.

We hope this incident causes people around the country to evaluate where they shell and to be more cognizant of those around them.

Johnson is recovering at a local hospital and is expected to make a full recovery.
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