By Zach Wolf
NEW YORK - Major League Soccer commissioner Don Garber announced today that the MLS playoffs have been officially canceled, as the league's bake sale failed to reach the sales goal needed to float MLS for another few weeks.
"On behalf of the MLS, its investors, and its sponsors, I regret to announce that the 2022 campaign will end at the conclusion of the regular season. Our annual 'Extra Time Bake Sale' fell well short of its goal, to say the least. As such, the 2022 MLS playoffs are officially canceled, and no amount of brownies, cookies, or Rice Krispie squares is going to bring them back. Whichever team is atop the table at the end of the season will be declared the league champion, and if there's a tie, there's a tie. It's soccer after all."
While the details of what went wrong with the bake sale may never be known, one player has his own theory.
"It's all of these dietary restrictions. You can't serve a single lemon square or orange slice without someone jumping down your throat for disrespecting their citrus sensitivity," said Austin F.C. striker Sebastián Driussi as he used scissors to cut the top off of a Capri Sun.
"When I grew up there was one, maybe two kids in every class with allergies. That was it. Everyone knew who they were, and you avoided opening peanut butter around them or whatever,” he added. “But nowadays if I want a Snickers I'll have to get written permission from the coach and quarantine for 2 weeks to 'protect' my teammates. It's ridiculous. No wonder our bake sale failed."
The league's human resources department has seen it before.
"It's not my favorite part of my job, that's for sure, " said MLS HR manager Gary Webb as he updated his LinkedIn profile. "These guys work reasonably hard for the regional fame and moderate financial stability that comes with playing in the MLS. So yeah, it’s tough to tell grown men that they have to clean out their cubbies and wait for their parents to pick them up outside. But somebody's gotta do it.”
At press time Don Garber was seen Googling how to raise money with a car wash.