By T. Kent Jones
With a performance that will change the direction of the sport forever, Money defeated long-time rival Logic to claim the soul of college football. Afterward, End of the Bench managed to catch up with Money’s jubilant Head Coach, Buck Cashman.
End of the Bench: Coach, congratulations on the win, tell us what happened out there.
Money Head Coach Buck Cashman: Thanks to a gutsy effort a few weeks ago, two great California universities, UCLA and USC, will be leaving the PAC 12 athletic Conference to join the Big 10
EOTB: How does it feel for Money to finally beat Logic, on top of your most recent upset over Regional Loyalties?
Cashman: First, I want to congratulate both Logic and Regional Loyalties. They are so well-coached and disciplined and we knew this would be a heck of a contest. Obviously, we are ecstatic to finally poison the beloved roots of college football.
EOTB: How did you overcome Logic? They’ve seemingly had an unbeatable defensive game plan for decades.
Cashman: Tell me about it! Who but the goofiest fuck on earth thinks that two Southern California teams would ever want to play football in a Wisconsin sleet storm every November? Or that they would fish-gut long-standing Western rivalries so they can be treated like trust fund squatters a thousand miles away? Or that they would sabotage their own conference, alienate their own fan base, AND take a dump on the Rose Bowl at the same time?
EOTB: ..Or that two California teams would willingly create the world’s deepest carbon footprint so they can play Purdue?
Cashman: As I said, Logic wins for a reason.
EOTB: What changed this year?
Coach Cashman: We embraced the grind, trusted our process, and bulked up so that today, we totally controlled the line of reasoning. Getting people to call batshit “bat caviar” is what our program is all about.
EOTB: What about your long-standing rival, Regional Loyalties? Don’t teams have an obligation to play in their own geographical area?
Cashman: No offense intended, but that’s Grandpa Ball. UCLA and USC had a choice, keep playing Wazzou and Arizona State every year because…why? Family, tradition, time zone? Or, do they scoop up a big, beautiful pile of Money and get the hell out of that second-tier football backwater?
EOTB: The other PAC 12 teams must be furious.
Cashman: So, maybe Arizona and Cal are a little butt hurt. Maybe it will sting not getting to play in conference championship games with zero national playoff ramifications. Maybe with enough cheddar and enough jet fuel you don’t need love, you don’t need neighbors, and you don’t even need In-N-Out Burger. Remember, selling out is an L.A. tradition, too.
EOTB: Every other aspect of society grovels before Money, but for a century, college football kept pushing back. How do you respond now that you’re on top?
Cashman: Yeah, that was kind of annoying. But we knew things were changing when Oklahoma and Texas dropped the rest of the Big 12 into a lava pit for an upgrade to the SEC. We had the home-field advantage that time because everybody knows OU and UT would gladly sell their Maws and their Maw Maws for a championship.
EOTB: It seemed like you had momentum at your back this year.
Cashman: It did, didn’t it? Logic and the will of the people have been losing in one arena after another. Special kudos to the Supreme Court for making reality itself seem 100 percent provisional.
EOTB: What’s next?
Cashman: We’re going to celebrate tonight and then get back to work tomorrow morning fully committed to wrecking the shit out of all the other conferences. We have a tradition here at Team Money. At the end of every practice, we circle up, hold hands and yell, “Everyone has a price!”
*cell phone rings*
Cashman: Sorry, got to go guys, Notre Dame is on the phone. Touchdown Jesus wants to renegotiate.