By Doug Kolic
MIAMI – In the wake of the controversy surrounding the handling of Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailoa’s recent injuries suffered against the Bills and Bengals, the NFL wanted to set the record straight by revealing that concussion protocols are a quick, yet thorough, ‘You good?’
“We’ve taken a lot of shit lately after Miami’s QB got his bell rung real bad twice in five days,” stated Commissioner Roger Goodell, relieved to be discussing anything other than Deshaun Watson. “But we want to assure you that everyone adhered to all the proper medical protocols by conducting a fast, yet very thorough exam, which amounted to a ‘You good?’, followed by the player’s slow yet noticeable nod in the affirmative.
This might not sound rigorous, but there’s too much on the line each week to waste everyone’s time with unnecessary tests when a simple question works just as well - according to our own research we conducted on behalf of the owners, coaches, and sponsors, of course. Hey, do you want a Gatorade?”
A Dolphins staff member who requested anonymity, described how officials seemed to want Tagovailoa back in the game as quickly as humanly possible.
“After Tua got hit the first time, everyone thought it was pretty obvious he suffered some kind of head trauma,” said the unknown employee over the phone. “I rushed to see what hospital they were sending him to, but to my surprise, they just asked him if he was ‘all good’ or something, gave him a fist bump, then sent him back out. These players are warriors, so they’ll never take themselves out of a game, so it’s important to have people in charge to make those decisions for them. What’s next, dragging out a player’s lifeless body just to keep people’s fantasy teams intact? Don’t give them any ideas.”
Renowned neuropathologist and sports fan, Dr. Janice Keuring, described the pressure teams face to win at all costs.
“Winning is everything, especially in a short seventeen-game NFL season,” explained the Doctor. “Nobody knows for certain if the desire for victory was prioritized over Mr. Tagovailoa’s health, but even to an untrained eye when a dude gets hit and his legs turn to jelly, it’s usually because of a hit to the head. At the very least, be cautious and let the guy sit out for a game until you’re absolutely certain. Having a chance to win is great, but nobody wins if your starting QB fucking dies during Thursday Night Football.”
At press time, the NFL announced stronger protocols ranging from requiring players to give the ‘thumbs up’ to medical staff, to having them be able to successfully respond to prompts such as ‘say any word’, and ‘blink if you’re cool.’