Nick Castellanos Hit a Home Run Last Night So Your Marriage is Probably Over

Nick Castellanos Hit a Home Run Last Night So Your Marriage is Probably Over

KANSAS CITY - Cincinnati Reds outfielder Nick Castellanos may have stayed hot last night, but the eternal flame of your marriage is burnt out.

Sources say the foundation of your blissful matrimony is “all but headed for doom” now that humanity has officially gone to hell after the broadcasters during the right fielder’s home run last night sealed the deal, interrupting a eulogy for a war veteran to make the home run call:

“That’s a great life. 96 years. And Pat, just like his dad, went to KU, and also went to Bishop Ward high school … there’s a drive into deep left-center field, and there’s never a great time to eulogize someone during the broadcast, so we apologize for the timing, but our hearts go out to Pat, who has just been a tremendous, loyal employee to the Royals for 26 years,”

“I mean how do you watch that and not just question humanity?” the source said. “That has got to be one of the worst things I have ever seen.”

Whether it be interrupting a eulogy to make the call or a mid-on-air apology for using a homophobic slur, broadcasters have made Castellanos’ home runs the unfortunate bat signal for dark and desperate affairs, which according to EOTB sources means that the sanctity of your love and respect for your spouse as a person and human being is “tarnished forever.”

“Nothing in the world is good anymore, I have lost all complete faith in the human population,” the source added. “Everybody should just pack it in at this point. What the actual fuck is wrong with people?”
1 of 3