North Korea Wins 2021 Olympic Games

North Korea Wins 2021 Olympic Games

by Aidan Higgins

PYONGYANG, North Korea – North Korean athletes have already won every medal awarded by the National Olympic Committee in the 2021 Tokyo Olympics, a statement by the North Unified Korean Establishment of Media Enterprising (NUKEME) revealed today.

North Korea’s overwhelming victory came as a surprise to many foreigners, considering that America has won the most medals at every other Summer Olympics since 1996 and that the 2021 games have yet to even begin.

The upset was the latest in a mysterious string of international successes for the country, including the discovery of a unicorn lair by North Korean archaeologists in 2012.

NUKEME attributed the country’s Olympic success to the nutrients provided to athletes by the country’s buoyant agriculture industry, specifically citing its superiority over the “typical American pig diet.”

“North Koreans do not condone the Western Evil and their McDonald’s-first diet, which is why we stand before you today as Olympic champions,” the statement read. “While American Olympians are known to eat mainly cheeseburgers, steroids, and the souls of innocent children, the people of North Korea maintain a strict diet of almost no food at all to ensure peak performance and discipline.”

One of the chief concerns going into the tournament was the spread of the Covid-19 to athletes. This proved an impediment to various other countries, but apparently not to North Korea,  as the country’s main ethnic group has evolved to be immune to most infectious diseases, according to their leader Kim Jong-Un. 

“A global pandemic cannot stop a united people,” a spokesperson for the Respected Supreme Leader Comrade said.

NUKEME also pointed out several top performances from the game, including the Women’s 100m Backstroke Final, which was described as “shepherds herding the sheepish westerns” and “North Korea toying with the enemies as if they were children.”

Also worth noting was the performance of North Korea’s Men’s sprinting team, which is said to have been personally trained by Kim Jong-Un.

According to North Korean state media, Kim even lost weight from the training, earning himself the nickname “The People’s Six-Pack.” 

Having “crushed the imperial pigs under its boots,” North Korea is already turning its attention to the 2024 Winter Olympic Games, reportedly removing heating units and any warm clothing from homes as a “way to prepare for the cold.”

“The people of North Korea will be colder than ever by the time the next Olympic Games come along, fully prepared for every winter event,” a spokesperson for NUKEME said. “We will dominate and show the capitalist swine who the Supreme Ruler is."
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