NEW YORK - MLB commissioner Rob Manfred sent shockwaves across the sports world this morning as he announced that the league would commemorate the start of 2022 by sending 50 Soviet-era MiG fighter jets to Ukraine.
“We know the lockout was hard for everyone, so we wanted to do something extraordinary to mark the beginning of the season,” Manfred told reporters. “What better way to do than by helping defend freedom around the globe?”
After the initial shock of the announcement passed, reporters began bombarding the commissioner with questions regarding the origins of the MiG jets.
“Look, don’t worry about the jets, today is about celebrating the start of a historic new season,” Manfred stated as the roar of questions grew. “We have already seen some amazing trades, likely spurred on by our expanded playoffs and the addition of the DH to the NL. Now, more fans will have teams with a shot to make the playoffs. That’s what we want to be celebrating, not the jets.”
Reporters would not be deterred, continuing to pepper Manfred with questions before the FBI would surely arrive.
“Fine, fine, fine. It’s really not that hard to understand.” a dejected Manfred said, “After the Soviet Union collapsed in '91, the league saw an opportunity to purchase some fighter jets. This was done as a cost-saving measure for pre-game flyovers. Suffice to say; it didn’t work, as we cannot employ mechanics that can fix MiG jets without raising some red flags.”
Manfred then went into further detail about how the league managed to acquire the military aircraft, which Ukrainian officials have said are desperately needed to counter Russia in its advance.
“So the league just kept having to buy more and more jets as they continued to break down. When we saw what was happening in Ukraine, we figured it would be a great way to get rid of all these stupid jets.”
While Manfred eventually explained the jets to the media, he stopped short of saying he would cooperate with any federal investigations.
“If they’re that concerned about these dumb jets, then what will they think about the nuclear submarines parked in McCovey’s Cove? It’s just better if they worry about their weapons of war, and we’ll worry about ours.”
News of the MLB’s announcement quickly made its way to the White House.
“We were pretty alarmed when we heard it,” White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki told reporters after hearing the news, “The idea of an American corporation buying military aircraft and sending them into an active war is cause for concern. We are reserving further comment until we’ve had a chance to speak with the league and get an explanation. We’ll also need to assess the MLB's remaining military capabilities before determining how to proceed.”
As of press time, Manfred was seen narrowly escaping the FBI in a T-34 Soviet tank.