Welcome to the Lower Tier, Missouri!

Welcome to the Lower Tier, Missouri!

By T. Kent Jones


Dear Missouri Tigers, 

First, let me just say all of us here at the Lower Tier of College Football (LTCFT) Teams are super excited about Mizzou finally deciding to join us. M-I-Z! 

Up until now, your 2-2 record was solidly mediocre, but nothing the LTCFT could really point to and say, there’s one of us. Heck, you even beat LSU last year! 

But then Saturday? Breakthrough! A 62-24 beatdown… by…Alabama? Nope. Georgia? Unh-uh. Oklahoma? You’re getting colder…

Tennessee? JOLENE, JOLENE, JOLENE, JO-LEEEEENE!!!!! And at home! 

If that weren’t stanky enough, y’all were a three-point favorite against boring old middle mush Rocky Top which hadn’t previously whupped ANY Power Five opponent under Coach Josh Heupel. 

Nada. 

But you—you!-- made UT look like Peyton Manning was still there! 

Truman’s Beard, guys, 62-24??? Missouri hasn’t given up 60 points at home since 1932! 

28 points in the first quarter! 45 points in the first half! And another TD that was stolen by the refs! 458 rushing yards. A 92 yard run from scrimmage to the house! Untouched! From Tenne—freakin--see! 

Your lower-tier work...it was just so genius. Whenever a Mizzou defender saw someone carrying the football, they just …didn’t tackle him.

The elevator is headed down, Tigers and we’re here to greet you on the LL. Put ‘er there, brother! 

You’re going to love it in the LTCFT, here are just a few of the perks you’ll get to enjoy:

  • You won't have to suck up to four-and-five star recruits ever again. That kind of talent’s not coming to Missouri, no, really, they aren’t, so roll up that red carpet, Columbia. And besides, isn’t it more interesting to build a team around easily impressed one-stars, middling JUCO transfers and washouts from blue blood schools? It’s fun to have walk-ons, too, you know! 
  • Your remaining decent players will get to experience the excitement of the transfer portal. More than a few of your scholar-athletes will spend their junior year traveling abroad…to other SEC teams. 
  • Lower performance will mean lower season ticket sales, lower attendance, lower alumni contributions, lower …worries! Enjoy your Marie Kondo makeover, Tidy Tigers!


Also, what’s more fun than the LTCFT coaching carousel? With all those eager new hires (and has-beens) trying to build castles of hope on the quicksand of entropy? 

With that said, can we get real for a minute? Ever since you joined the SEC, there have been snobs who have never accepted you and now you've given them 62 new reasons not to. 

We say screw ‘em. Missouri’s not really the South anyway. You belong in the Big 10, playing Iowa in a sleet storm, not being treated like the SEC’s red-headed step tiger. 

Sure, you’ve had some success there—some-- but after a while doesn’t it Just Mean Less

Aren't you exhausted from all the striving, the keeping up with the Sabans, the sense that you’re always just a couple of blue-chip players away from Finebaumtopia? 

Look at Texas A&M. They split the Big 12 the same year you did. The proud Aggies spend tons of money, get their expectations way up every year, and then…they never really get there, do they? 

Their epitaph will say: “They died of hope.” 

Every season Sisyphus heaves the rock up the hill for what? So you can be invited to the Tropical Smoothie Café Frisco Bowl? And get beat by Navy? 

Relax, Mizzou. Breathe. Embrace your newfound suckitude. Only when you can look in the mirror and say “We’re a doormat,” instead of, “We’re this close to catching Georgia and Florida” can the healing begin. 

The LTCFT will love you until you learn to love yourselves. It gets easier. 

(But for God’s sake pull it together for North Texas next week. I mean, Jesus, guys, make an effort. People are watching.)

1 of 3